You're HOW Old?!

Stop trying to guess my age. I'll tell you.

I'm forty-don't-take-pictures-of-me-with-a-zoom-lens-please.

I'm forty-why-am-I-still-up-it's-10:57pm.

Fiiiine. I'm forty-hundred.

Okay, let's be real. Age is a number, yes but age is also a rule.. yes?

Like, with age comes certain rules. Unspoken suggestions that if you cross - will either be a dead giveaway of your true age - or worse - make you look/feel/seem older than you actually are.

Let me be clear - this will not be a good thing. This is not older in the sense that you will seem wise-beyond-your-years and others will marvel at your wisdom and worldly knowledge.

Instead it's more of a you-look-like-a-buffoon, stop-trying-so-hard kind of thing.

Perhaps an example to illustrate my point (or three, Heaven knows I'm not one for stopping at just one.)

Here we go. Example one:

Glitter eye shadow.

Cute in your teens. Totally workable in your 20's. Maaaaaybe an option for evenings out in the right setting when you hit your 30's.

40's? Now you've crossed the line.

And because of it all the glitter has settled into your fine lines and you have now highlighted your crow's feet and crepey skin.

Congrats on the shimmering wrinkles - next time adhere to the unspoken rule and that won't happen.

Example two:

Crop tops.

If you have the confidence in your teens - go for it. 20's? Yes, by all means, show off that 20's mid-driff. 30's....wellllllllll, that depends. Are you really feeling it? Like the whole I'm-in-better-shape-now-than-I-was-at-24 feeling it? If so, yes, you can probably rock at crop top.

40's? Unless your name is J-Lo, its probably a no-go.

Got fab abs? You go girl, but the unfortunate reality is that when 40 rolls around, if you've had a baby or four, or eaten an Oreo or four, it will show in your 40's. All of it. All the babies. All the Oreos. Your 40's mid section is like a poster of what you've done to your body up to this point.

If you're a fan of the crop top trend you get that stuff handled in your earlier years. By the time 40 hits, it looks like your laundry skills are a Pinterest fail and you are walking around in a shrunken shirt.

Not cool man, not cool.

Example three:


You can get away with the stupidity that is baking your own skin in the Easy Bake Oven that is the sun's UV rays in your teens and 20's because everyone (literally everyone) who's older than you thinks you're a moron anyway. So by all means, if you're going to do dumb things (and you will, it's the nature of the decade) do it at this time please. Then you can chalk it up to "I was young and dumb" and it will seem slightly less stupid.

30's - you should know better. You should have discovered moisturizer with sunscreen by now.

40's - the letters SPF should be more routinely said than ABC. In your 40's you know that sunscreen is like Captain America's shield to you. Pew-pew, take that sun's rays! How do you like that deflection, hmmmmm? Don't be sunbathing in your 40's. If you haven't yet realized how asinine it is to bake yourself like a pan of brownies then realize this: when you lay on your back to sunbathe - your ta-ta's may not stay where they did in your younger years. And nothing says, "omg ew, old person!" like someone laying outside with their ta-ta's tucked in next to their rib cage.

No. Just no.

Line. firmly. crossed.

Do you see where I'm going with this? Because I am a person who loves rules.

Yes, that's right, I love them.

Without rules all we have is utter chaos. We need rules.

So even though the age rules are more of the unspoken type rather than the written-into-a-law, let's-amend-the-Constitution type, they are still there to protect you. Protect me. Protect us. Us in the 40-hundred year old age division. Protect us from ridicule, shame and a staggering blow to our pride.

And oh yes, I know, some rules are made to be broken.

I've heard.

Which is why if you're J-Lo and heading out to perform on stage, I completely understand the crop top. And the glitter eye shadow.

It's also why I'll be going as J-Lo this year for Halloween.

Because there are also days when all bets are off.

And if the rule says, "there are no rules on this day" - you can bet your perky behind that I am going to follow it.

Until next time, everyone. Be good and follow the rules. Even those not written down by Moses.... Or Thomas Jefferson.... Or your elected city officials....

Ta ta. ;-)