Word to the Vapers

Attention Vapers:

The following post to you (yes, just for you. Your own personal piece from me.) was written because it is apparent that the civilized world in all of its political correctness has failed to properly warn you all of the terrible, horrible harmfulness you are doing to yourselves. So I'm going to come to your level and speak in terms that you can understand; generational blame.

In case you haven't been made aware, the CDC (that's Centers for Disease Control) has issued an updated warning on this jackassery you people call vaping.

If you haven't seen the update (which, aren't you all supposed to be so "techy"?? Always with the phones stuck to your faces and pods in your ears??) here's the warning, in black and white, straight off the cdc.gov website.

And there's this. For those of you who "don't like to read" or don't want to "take forever to read all those words" - there's this helpful graphic.

My personal favorite is the part about "heavy metals such as nickel, tin and lead."

Golly, way back in the stone ages we went through all this rigamarole to get the lead out of paint because people would get sick just from having lead paint on their walls. Babies would get sick because they would chew on the edges of their cribs when teething and injest the eensiest amounts of lead paint. And somewhere out there, someone took control of that situation and said, "No more. Enough of this nonsense of babies getting sick. Let's do away with the lead. We can do better!"

And so we did. We got rid of the lead in the paints. And a wonderful thing happened - the sicknesses caused by lead became less.

Now, you Nutjobs are back into the lead. And if that's not bad enough, you're driving that crap straight to the heart of the system. Let's bypass all the chewing and the swallowing and taking it in in miniscule digestive doses - let's add it to other poisonous contents and breathe. it. in.


Good idea, man!

Why bother with fresh, outdoor air when you can have lead?!?!

Hold on, there are more.... I don't want you to feel this is an under-researched topic on my part.

Lung illness? Do you people not have enough to worry about that you want to add that to the list too??

Aren't you all going on and on, preaching to "us old people" about "saving the turtles," and how hard it is to try to keep up on your social media and ohmyGod, we have no idea what it's like facing the pressures of growing up in today's world?!

So, now you want to think about lung disease too?

Wait, you don't want to think about lung disease?

You just want to vape a little with your friends and be happy knowing you aren't one of those "old people" smoking ACTUAL CIGARETTES...?

Well tough noogies, Tootsie Pop, you better start worrying about the lung disease. In fact you might want to put it up a little higher on the list. Like above the social media and even above the turtles.

Listen, the long and the short of it is this: you people are so. smart.

So smart.

Incredibly fricking smart.

It's a little scary and insane how smart some of you are.

You use iPads while potty training. You watch youTube videos to figure out how to cook gourmet mac and cheese by age 10. You're connected to people around the world even though you've managed to go entire days without speaking to any actual human. You have all the makings to change the world and yet some of you are still so incredibly stupid that you would take all those smarts, all that knowledge and all the potential and crap it down your leg so you can inhale something that smells vaguely like a muffin?



You adorably smart people are ruining all of the fun we were having raising you and watching you all grow and be smarter than we were by inhaling lead that we thought we got rid of and pretending like it's somehow cool.

So, what it comes down to, you little Fun Wreckers, is this is all about us. We're selfish. We've ruined the planet. We harmed the turtles with our stupidity. We do math in slower ways and most of us can't tell you what Snapchat is for other than making us look like a puppy.

But.... we have loved you and cared for you and watched you grow and now you're taking this thing we love and ruining it.

You're inhaling chemicals as if you didn't learn from our stupidity at all.

You're making yourselves sick and stumping doctors and racking up medical bills all for ... for.... for what??

Because it looks cool?

Because it's smarter than cigarettes? Trust me, Tiny Turds, it is NOT THAT HARD to be smarter than a person ingesting rat poison.

That's not a huge accomplishment.

You can do better.

But only if you stop.

Heed my warning. Or hell, don't listen to me at all, heed the CDC warning.

You are harming yourselves with this asinine thing called "vaping."

You are in complete control of this ship. You're navigating it. You're the passengers on it. The only thing you're not controlling is how volatile the sea is.

Toss away the vape pens. Slap your friends across the face if you see them doing it. (Go ahead, it'll be fine. They'll be better off in the long run having a temporary red hand print on their face over lung disease.) Learn from the older selfish wastrels you're so fond of criticizing. Inhaling a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g into your lungs is zero percent a good idea.

Let your lungs focus on their thing. The air intake and all that.

You focus on saving the turtles and keeping your Snapchat friends updated on your whereabouts.

Oh and while you're on there - use one of them there filters and tell them what idiots they look like with that vape pen.