Wings n Things

Listen to me when I say this, I know there is a trend out there of people getting together for wings but if this is your bag - I am not your girl.

I cannot now nor will I ever get behind the concept of eating chicken wings.

I'm a gigantor-sort of person. Thinking "I'm hungry, I should eat some wings" is equal to me saying, "Ooooh, I'm craving dessert, I think I'll have ONE M&M!"


Just one.

Because one m&m is the dessert equivalent of a wing. IT WILL TAKE 157 OF THESE THINGS FOR ME TO EVEN BEGIN TO FEEL FED. Not full, just fed.

Also, have you ever heard people say celery is a negative calorie food? You know, because you burn more calories chewing it than you take in by eating it.

That (and the fact that it tastes like grass clippings) is one of the reasons I give celery a hard pass.

No and thank you to the food that is more output than input. I would rather eat a cookie while sprinting.

Wings fall into the calorie-negative category for me. I know they're technically NOT calorie negative but let's face it - they are a lot of work for the eeeeeeensy bit of chicken you actually get to eat.

Why? Why do people want to work this hard for such little taste? Just season the crap out of a chicken breast, toss it in with some linguine and use chopsticks as utensils if you want to work for your food. At least when you get that bite of chicken and pasta all twirled around your chopsticks you will have a satisfying bite to chew!

Reason number 68 (fine, three - whatever. What are you a mathematician?) for my dislike of wings - when your fingers are so messy the napkin begins to break apart and stick to your fingers instead of cleaning them - this is a personal nightmare of mine. I do not like to eat foods that are that messy. And certainly not in public.

This is why I don't order sweet corn as a side dish at restaurants. I don't care how good the chef might be or how delicious the menu makes it sound - in the end I'm going to sound like a cow and look like a pig eating that ear of sweet corn. Everyone around me will either be hollering to drown out the noise or they'll be mortified that I'm sitting at their table.

Probably both.

So regardless of my insane love of sweet corn (seriously, I can take down an ear of corn faster than a family of raccoons) its on my list of things not to order at restaurants.

Right after wings.

And grilled cheese.... but that's a different story for a different day.

Anywho - I just wanted to bring this up. In case, you know, you ever invite me for wing night and I pack a sandwich. It's nothing against your wings, I'm sure they're delicious. And in about 3.6 hours when you've consumed enough of them to get a strong feel of their flavor - you can let me know how they were. But you'll probably have to shoot me a text - by that time, I'll likely be home in bed.