So I understand there is a group of teeny-tweeny-youngish-twenties that think it's now "old" to wear skinny jeans.
What do we not like about your high-waisted baggy jeans - you ask?
Why do we not take part in your "mom jeans" trend?
Why must we cling to our skinny jeans in the same way we clung to you when we brought you home from the hospital?
Because, dear child we've been there, done that and have the unflattering pictures to prove it. We already rode that train to fashion-disaster station and it is not a place we care to revisit. And I know, I know because you're young as we were, that you think you are doing cutting edge stuff and we are has-beens who are stuck in our old ways - but might I remind you that your "cutting edge" looks eerily similar to the things we have thrown out of our closets.
If I may just offer one point regarding your love of the horrid choices we made (also known as mom jeans) it's this - - you are likely at or very near a point in your life where your body is in peak physical shape. Very soon the days set in where you don't wake up with a perfectly flat stomach despite eating an entire bag of Cheetos the night before. Your legs are toned from countless hours in dance classes or running in track practice or riding bikes with your friends, and yet here you are - oh youth of perfect bodies - doubting yourselves so much that you would cover yourself with a misshapen piece of denim. (So ill fitting it adds girth to your toned frame!)
I know you don't understand this now, but the day will come when you will want to reach out to the girl in all the photos you take of yourself and slap the ever-loving shit out of her for hiding behind her baggy pants.
If I could go back to those days of high school sports - and by extension toned, youthful legs - I'd never wear anything but Daisy Dukes. Ever.
Church? Daisy Dukes and a sweater.
Every day living? Daisy Dukes and a sweatshirt.
Prom? Daisy Dukes and a sparkly top.
Don't care - that's how I'd roll.
Ladies - - let me hand you a shocking revelation - no matter how clean you eat, no matter how many miles you run, no matter how many minutes of Pilates you do - you cannot beat age. Eventually skin gets loose.
And doesn't resist the force of gravity the way it once did.
Vericose veins pop up to mar your flawless skin.
Moles change shape.
Little white spots jump on board in place of skin cells that naturally color with the suns rays. Cellulite moves in and rents a space on each of your legs and your perky butt - well, it becomes about as perky as a sloth.
If this seems and sounds horrifying to your youthful ears - then and only then maybe you'll understand the same horror we feel when we see you repeating the fashion sin of our youth.
Girls, you cannot out-baggy our jeans. We had the franchise on the high waists, the cinched belts and the roomy thigh area. And we hold these truths to be self-evident, that all mom-jeans are created equal, that they add unnecessary weight and size to a frame you will one day only dream of.
We wore them cuffed. We wore them torn (except me. I did not because my dad believed if you bought your pants with holes in them it was like getting 2/3 of the pair of pants you were paying for and no kid of his was going to pay good money for 2/3 of a pair of pants, dammit!) We wore them with cute shoes. We wore them with sandals.
We wore them with body suits. We wore them with crop tops.
We have done - all the things - that you think you are revolutionizing.
You're not a revolutionary. You're essentially just proving that you will one day "turn into your mother."
Enjoy the skinny jeans that come back into your closet in your 40's - they're very flattering.
Photographic evidence. If you don't want to take it from me - take it from DJ Tanner-Fuller. Life gets better when you ditch the mom jeans.
XOXO - Mama Jess