Ooooh ooooh oooooh....

Oh, hi. *Embarrassingly stops belting out Bohemian Rhapsody, sans accompaniment.

So, Mother's Day is coming up this weekend. Did you know that? You'd better. If you didn't know you can consider yourself an utter failure. After all, HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU GET ON THIS EARTH WITHOUT YOUR MOTHER... HMMMMMMMM??? Even if you don't get along with yours all the time you should at a minimum acknowledge that she was the vessel that brought you to the life you currently lead.

And now that we have that squared away, here's the real point. Whadayou gonna do abbout it?

I'll give you a hint (sorry, you were taking a while to answer.) Celebrate it.

That's the answer.

If you're a mom - you're going to relish in this day. Spend all day basking and glowing in a day that (finally!) applauds every stretch mark, every breastfeeding nightmare, every door slam, every "can I have some money?" question that seems to ONLY be asked when you literally only have a ten dollar bill to your name so you hand it over and know that now you have no money. Zero dollars for you.

If you aren't a mom - you're going to find a mom and make her feel better for just one eensy-weeensy-teeensy moment. Take her to brunch, buy her flowers, hold the door open for her, buy her the thing she has been dropping hints about wanting since January or just send her a funny text and make her laugh.

It doesn't take much. Trust me. We moms spend the other 364 days out of the year as human ATM's, personal chefs, unpaid Uber drivers, untipped waitresses, cleaning ladies, personal shoppers, FedEx delivery personnel, costume designers, hair dressers, make up artists, spectators, cheerleaders, therapists, life coaches and degree-less nurses - it takes verrrrrry little to make us feel just a droplet better about wearing all these hats.

You can throw a mutt the smallest nibble of your steak and it will be insanely happy just for getting to taste it - right?

Same goes.

We're not dogs but if we were we certainly wouldn't be a pure bread, royal, fancy-pancy type that are fed out of glass bowls.

We would be mutts. We would have to be in order to be the accomplished Jill-of-all-trades that wears at least four hats at any given moment.

So, take a moment. Cut a piece of your steak and share it.

(You do realize I'm speaking metaphorically, right? Like, if you're my kids and you offer me a piece of your steak I'm probably going to poke you in the clavicle with your own fork.)

What I mean (for those of you who may not enjoy metaphors) is take a moment out of your life. Take a moment out of what you're doing and use it to remember your mom. Or your Grandma. Or your sister (because her kids are demons and she apparently has the patience of a saint!) Your aunt, your friend's mom who was always like a mom to you, or really go all out and give a moment to ALL the moms you know.

Hey, if Tom Brady can take a moment out of THIS MOMENT to acknowledge his mom - you can take a moment out of your Sunday to do the same.

I know, that may seem like a lot of moments. And its your Sunday too, dammit. But I'm not telling you to set aside the day. Just one or two minutes out of it. After all, just think of those stretch marks she's lived with for allllll these years. Alllllll because of you. Or your brother.

Speaking of which - you should remind him to do this also.

Moms; new ones, older ones, ones who carried babies, ones who adopted babies, ones who delivered naturally or with an epidural or the ones who had a C-section - enjoy your moment. Even if they only give you three minutes out of their day - enjoy all 180 seconds of them. And if they forget to give you even one moment, well... I'm sure the service in Afghanistan is spotty.

What's that? Your child isn't serving in Afghanistan?

Oh, well then they must fall under the "horrible person" category.

What's that? Don't call your child horrible?? They might, in fact, be horrible but only you get to say that and no one else.. certainly not me?

Sorry. Sorry. ..Forgot I was dealing with a fellow mom here. Accept my apology and go buy yourself something pretty.

What's that? Am I paying?

No, I just gave one of the kids my last ten dollar bill, remember?

Happy Mother's Day - from this "zero dollars" mom.