Updated: Feb 4, 2019
I love my family. Some of them are amusing. Some are generous and kind and some are even highly likable. But holy banana buckets are they freaking blind when it comes to seeing dirt around the house.
I swear to all the literate people who can read this post that I actually do not wake up peeved at the world. But most likely if you see me on a snow day (such as the one we are having today) stomping, ranting like a lunatic and threatening every member of my family with bodily harm (by noon, no less) you will likely think otherwise.
Listen, I'm not an ogre (says the woman cursing like a sailor with half a candy bar hanging out of her mouth,) I'm simply someone WHO CAN SEE DIRT ON HER OWN FLOOR AND WHO WONDERS WHY ITS INVISIBLE TO EVERYONE ELSE WHO LIVES IN HER HOUSE?!?!
I kid you not when I share this. This is an actual conversation that has happened in my house.
Me: hey bud, could you sweep under the stools, it looks like zoo feeding time happened over lunch.
Kid: (staring a floor) where?
Me: under the stools. The stools, that you sat on while you ate. Or maybe didn't eat. Maybe you just shredded your food and tossed it on the ground. Either way, under the objects we sit on -needs to be swept.
Kid: I still don't see it. But if you want me to sweep nothing, I will.
Me: No, I don't want you to sweep nothing, I want you to sweep the... you know what, never mind - I'll do it. **sweeps under stools, fills dustpan with 1/4 cup of crumbs** See - look what was under there!
Kid: (dumbfounded) where did all that come from?
That. That conversation. That's real stuff in my house. I don't know if I have a super power that apparently none of my children inherited. I don't know if we have magical dirt and dust only visible to the female eye. I don't know if they're just playing me to get out of floor-cleaning duty but whatever it is its causing me to lose my mind a bit!
Is it my parenting? Is there something I missed during the toilet-training years that allows them to actually walk on crumbs and grains of sand without feeling these things? Am I raising no-good hooligans that just step on the dust bunnies
haphazardly without one care as to what the fluffy gray thing is that trails their sock for the next 17 steps??
Maybe its not them, its me?!?!
Maybe it is. Maybe they have come to realize that if they look away quickly, mom will magically make the dust disappear. This could very well be the case.
But you know what else could be the case? That despite the fact that its beyond cold here and my windows are not only closed but locked up tight - that if you stop at my house on a particularly pleasant (read: not pleasant. Not pleasant at. all.) day, that you will still be able to hear me yelling about the dirt and the crumbs and the HORRORS OF HAVING CHILDREN WITH TUNNEL VISION WHO CAN'T EVEN SEE A DUST BUNNY WHEN IT CROSSES RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEIR PATH!!
That may be likely also.