I'm Not God. Not Even Close.

Job I wouldn't be good at: God.


Yeah, no. Not signing up for that role anytime soon. I can already tell you - emphatically, that I would fall short of the necessary requirements.


It may seem like this is coming out of the blue but actually, it's the changes that come about with this time of year that give me glaring realization that I would be crap at any God-like position.

Zero stars given - that would be my review status.


Here's how I know - in April, my hands start itching to plant flowers. I can scarcely contain my excitement. I check green house web pages and social media like a stalker. I plan my containers and check notes on what plants worked in what places last year. Thus far, since those of us who believe in God know that he planned every eensy detail - things don't look too bad if my planning of pot-life is any indicator.


Once I'm finally able to get in the dirt - I can firmly get behind the role of caretaker to this newly sprung life. I haul pots in and out of the garage to prevent them from getting too cold. I move them around to get fresh rainwater over tap water. I move them to get ample sunlight in the day hours and back in again in the too-chilly-for-my-babies evening hours.

Hey, maybe I'm wrong - maybe I would be pretty good at this Giver-of-Life thing.... HA!

No, not wrong. Just wait.


As summer finally reigns and my plants and pots get moved to their forever homes among my landscaping - I'm a diligent water-er. Not too much pressure. I like the nozzle of the hose to simulate a soft rain. I transplant certain plants that are in danger of over-crowding and go back to the greenhouse to add friends to spaces that seem too open. At this point - I might still be in the running for at least a God's-Secretary or something, it would seem, right?

Keep your hands and feet inside the car, please. Things are about to go downhill quickly...


Right about, oh say, end-of-July my "babies" at thrown brutally into the wild. At this point I'm nowhere near God - I'm more of a Sea Turtle kind of parent. I hatched you, I stuck you in the sand - now good luck.

Oh sure they get occasional watering - sometimes not even all of them if I'm feeling lazy. But really, they're just there to add some color to the scenery and my level of care is approximately = 1.


I mean we were on vacation and then we came back and we started thinking about school starting and I started to ease my way back into work and all those plants I planned and wanted just got ignored for a new issue/thought/problem.


Which means, if I were God, Person A - that I wanted and planned right down to the number of hairs on their head, would get ignored as soon as Person B threw up a prayer with a problem.

Person A is somewhere lying in a ditch while I'm off dealing with Person B or Person C because clearly - I'm not God. And I'm zero parts good at playing the role of Him.


And also, if none of this convinced you, I did scream loudly the words, "I'M GOING TO FIND YOU AND STAB YOUR GULLET," to the person in the car ahead of me who didn't stop for the Stop sign the other day and I'm pretty sure God does not holler out those types of scenarios to the people of His flock.


Anyway - just thought I'd share this wild revelation with you all.


Please proceed with the rest of your day as though you haven't been shocked to your very toes. Or roll your eyes and think, duh Jess - tell us something we don't know. That may happen too.


Okay. That's all. Bye.







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