Ask It On Your Own Time

The story you're about to read is factual. Also scary because, yes, I'm that crappy of a parent...

So yesterday we hit the road as a family to take the eldest up to his fall home (also known as the college he was accepted to and is officially enrolled in) so he could register for his upcoming course work. This college (like most, I'm assuming) offered the day (day??? When did it start taking a full day to choose classes?? Maybe we should go back to the printed catalog - it's starting to seem more efficient then a full day of class-choosing.....) to be a parent/student experience.

Of sorts.

I mean, a bunch of the time it was parents in one room, students in another but some of the time was spent together attending informational sessions about "what to expect this fall."

Now unless you are me, or can you fathom how one person can possibly abhor being told to sit in a room on someone else's schedule, you cannot understand how seeing this itinerary made me feel.

Like I was going to be walking into a hostage situation.

Where I was the hostage.

Forced to sit. Not doodle. Not read. Not write down sarcastic comments. Just sit and listen while someone talked about things I either

A) didn't care about

B) could have Googled or

C) already knew

My blood pressure spiked just thinking about it.

I talked the Hubs into doing the "morning shift." (Because, I wasn't kidding - it really and truly was an all-day deal.) While I came in and took over after the lunch shift.

Now, I'm sure you're sitting wherever you sit when you read stuff about terrible people and are thinking, wow - this is a whole new low for her. She really is off-the-charts crappy at sucking it up and doing what needs to be done.

I am.

I know.

But here's why.

Because if I can muster up the courage/ability/strength to sit through someone else's "informational meeting" without once blurting out one of the thoughts that zings through my brain - it never fails that just as the speaker is ready to wrap up and I can hear the "closing tone" in their voice and I'm silently applauding myself for my quietness and keeping my lips zipped - the meeting always (always, always, always!!!!) ends the same way.

"Does anyone have any questions?"

And that, my friends, is where my sarcastic soul goes to die. It's the only way. I must kill it off because if I allow it to live and listen, it will eviscerate all the hands that go in the air. (And there's always one that does, right?)

For zero seconds beyond the question and answer portion of the meeting can I sit without becoming a horrible human being.

(Overly) Concerned Mom: If my Brittany is a finance major now but decided to switch to education - does she get a different academic advisor?

Horrible Brain: Noooooo, I'm certain once she gets an advisor - that person is assigned for life - like a flipping Supreme Court judge. Advisor retires? Too bad! That was your advisor. Now you're on your own, punk. Advisor gets thrown in jail? He'll be advising you from cell 26 to the best of his abilities.

And ohmygerd my eyeballs just rolled so far I was able to see the back of the inside of my head.

Other People...


I cannot stop these thoughts. Anymore than I can eat just one Doublestuff Oreo. It is just the nature of what happens.

Which means I avoid informational meetings at. all. costs.

Do I love my child? Yes.

Do I want to help him if he needs help? Yes.

Do I want to put myself through an informational meeting to do so? Ummmmm, can I help you via text??

I am literally afraid I am the person I am when I see that hand go in the air after the speaker asks, "Does anyone have any questions?"

It's like Cybil or Jekyll and Hyde.

Terrifying. A little funny but terrifying that one of these times it's going to come out.

And you all, as the general and possibly inquisitive population, should be terrified also. Because one day you may be forced into a hostage situation, er - I mean, sitting in a meeting that I have been forced to attend also. And on that day, you may have a perfectly legitimate question that the speaker does not cover. And still, if you take the opportunity to raise your hand at the end and ask your question - my brain is going to do bad things.

Apologies in advance for the things I say in my head.

Hopefully that is not the day they all come blaring out of the bullhorn I call my mouth.